I read in a magazine that even picking up kids late from school on a regular basis can have a negative and long lasting impression on children and should be avoided when ever possible. As I was reading this article I could not help but think that the writer was overreacting somewhat and thought to myself how Alycia, my 9 year old, was so happy to see me when I showed up late, not a frown or angry look in sight. A few days later when I picked her up, I decided to have a slow drive home and get involved with some idle banter on the subject and at the same time get her opinion.
As I asked her how her day had gone and when I received the customary “ok”, I moved on to the main gig, “you know sweetheart” I started out, “when I arrive to pick you up from school you always look so happy so I guess you don’t mind so much that I am late do you?” I ventured. “That’s not exactly true dad to be honest, I am so happy to see you due to the fact that I don’t have to sit there anymore and be embarrassed being, yet again, the last one to be picked up from school”.
I turned on the indicator and pulled over, “What do you mean” I enquired. “The worst part of all” she continued, “is that as there is no parking and as I have no idea what time you and mummy are going to pick me up, I can’t even hide in the Library so that no one sees me, I have to sit by the drop off and pick up area in full view of the whole school and wait for the daily comments to start”.
I was shell shocked to think that as a loving father, I could be so busy with my daily schedule and routine that I could have become so clueless.
Later that night I went back to the magazine to have a closer look, they explained that even a minor public scolding, forcing children to wear clothing which would ensure that they were made fun of all day at school, using pet names in front of their friends, showing baby photos of them to their friends, holding their hands in public, announcing their weaknesses in front of others and even a public hug may humiliate them and set them off down a slope of terrible memories when they became older.
I have lots of middle age friends and we all seem to carry some kind of scared baggage about our childhood and we all seem to harbor some kind of memories which indicate that we may have been hurt in one way or another.
I have now come to the conclusion that as parents, we are the main obstacles that get in the way of where our children want to go which will usually end up with some kind of confrontation and if we are not careful this will allow ill feelings to develop. Alycia, is as yet unable to see why I don’t allow her to have a sleep over at her friend’s house; the trivial fact that her friend has 2 brothers aged 14 and 16 does not mean anything and in her mind is information that should not be involved in the decision process. I can only live and hope that one day when she is old enough to understand what may have happened if I would have allowed her to go, will enable her to appreciate my decision and for its importance.
Everyone knows my thought process on verbal, physical or mental abuse and that I believe it is an absolute disgrace and tragedy to say the very least, but the question here is, are we doing enough to make our children really understand and believe that we love them.
Are we giving them memories that we would hope keeps their soul warm at night and memories that will ensure they grow up with enough love to share with their own children too.
I have to believe that there must be nothing worse than enabling your children to carry around bad memories forever that could have been avoided with a little more care and thought.
To ensure that Alycia has long lasting, loving and fond memories, I am going to pledge that I pick her up from school on time more often than not, whisper in her ear that she is my angel before she goes to sleep at night and every day give her a big hug, look at her right in the eyes and tell her that I love her….if I do this long enough, hopefully she will forgive me for the mistakes that I have already made.
reading this made me vow to myself that I must try to avoid being late in picking up my boys as much as possible…Thank u Mike!
Dear Emily,
Firstly let me aplogize for not answering your post earlier as for some reason I must have missed it.
It is my experience that we are all unfortunately not perfect parents nor will we ever be.
If we are willing to accept this stream of logic, then we can also understand that all we can do every day is try harder to be the best parents we can be.
There is nothing more we can do.
I am sure that you are a great mother, the fact that you wote these comments provides me the evidence that I am correct in my observation.
Thank you very much for dropping by.
Warm regards,
Mike.
You mention the creation of ‘good memories’, yes I would agree. This was the most salutory lesson I learned as a first-time mother, who was completely clueless as far as parenting was concerned having had no experience of living in the warm comfort of an extended family, and in admitting this deficit in skills I signed up for parenting classes.
During this time I became more knowledgeable about the value of ‘long lasting and loving memories’, and I strived to create them with every passing year of my child’s life.
She’s 24 years old now and lives an independant life with her partner but when we meet we always have a shared chuckle in remembering snippets from her childhood.
These fond memories are the lubricant that oils the wheels of family life, and they are also the glue that bonds our children to us for all time.
Dear Readers,
Here is a woman that knows what she is talking about.
As LadyBizBiz writes you can feel and hear that she truly believes in what she is writing about and saying.
I can easily get emotional when reading her sentiments and know that I would love knowing her in real life.
LadyBizBiz, I think you are great and know that we all can feel better and learn from your shared comments.
I hope everyday that I will have the same relationship with my daughters that you have with yours.
Sincere thanks for dropping by and I really hope that you do so again.
Very warm regards,
Mike
Oh, the minefield that is parenting:-) My kids are grown and there is one thing that I learned through 27 years of parenting; just when you think you have it all sussed to not embarrass your children, you will inadvertantly add another to the list! I so agree that we shouldn’t deliberately make our kids feel bad in public, they need to be able to trust us and that includes knowing that we will pick them up in time. However, don’t forget that a gentle tease both ways can be good fun as long as it isn’t serious, a fine line but our kids need to be able to develop a shield and be able to respond in kind so that they can be ready for the bigger, badder world……
Hi Lesley,
Very good point indeed and well thought through.
There is indeed a fine line between hurting them and wrapping them up in cotton wool, therefore making them soft and vulnerable for later in life.
Children also differ from one to another, some can take a joke, some can take a good scolding if you like and others may be more sensitive.
I guess the thing is we should try and be the best parent for our children as I always believe that nobody knows them as well as we do.
I am very happy that you dropped by and even more so that you have added depth and a different point of view to this particular debate.
Sincere thanks for your input.
Warm regards,
Mike.