When I started working in the Four Seasons Hotel, Yorkville in Toronto things could not have been any better. Everyone seemed happy, the customers were mostly wealthy and strutted around the hotel as if they never had a care in the world. The staff were extremely content and the hotel was full of opulence, romance and charm, life really was great, what can I say I was young.
The whole aura of the hotel seemed to ooze the feeling that life was for the living, it was to be enjoyed, indulged and it was to be shared. On one particular day I remember watching an older very senior chef work, Fred always seemed so happy, he would giggle at any given comment passed by a wondering soul drifting through the kitchen, he was everyone’s confidant, friend and was always willing to chip in and help others when he was able.
The hotel used to give cans of drinks to the hot perspiring chefs to help offset the heat in the kitchen keeping them hydrated. Minutes later picking up my can of soda thereby taking a big gulp would give me the shock of my life; it was full of whiskey from the cooking alcohol cabinet. I swallowed the rather large gulp wincing and glancing around to see if anyone was looking, then I very slowly placed the can down obviously knowing that it was not mine and went about my business whistling as if butter would not melt in my mouth.
I then watched from a distance to see whom the culprit was and was astonished to see Fred waltz over to claim his soda, taking a few big mouthfuls, finishing the whole contents of the can, squeezing it between his tightly grasped hand and throwing the empty can into the kitchen waste bin. I was gob smacked to say the least, no wonder he always looked so happy I thought.
A few weeks later I saw him slip and fall in the kitchen laughing out loud as others helped him to his feet. The next day Fred did not show up to work and thinking he had a cold or some other minor ailment we all left him alone to recover in peace. When he did not show up the next day alarms bells sounded, the Executive Chef went to visit him only to find him dead and alone in his apartment.
A couple of days after that the boss went to his funeral returning to work only to announce that he had gone to Fred’s funeral and noting that just he and the vicar alone had lowered Fred into his grave, there was not a single other friend or family member there to say goodbye to a person that seemed to have the world at his feet.
On hearing this, my young, innocent and naïve heart warming thought process to life in general was instantly destroyed. I was struggling to comprehend how such a popular person, who was loved, respected and admired at work, would live such a lonely private existence.
Years later I would fall in love and would be the envy of most men I knew. I dedicated my life and soul to my new partner and someone slowly but surely over the 3 years of dating would lose contact with my friends as I became deeper and deeper involved. Then came the big day and we were married with the subsequent travelling around the world together and ending up in Hong Kong where we were extremely happy…that is for about 9 months and then it was over and my make believe life came crashing down. My trophy wife was gone, so were my friends and the only stick I had to lean on was my career. I worked 16 hours a day to take my mind off my downfall only to return to my small, soulless, very quiet and lonely hotel room. I had managed to single handedly place myself in the unthinkable position of having had so many friends over the years and had somehow lost them all, the worst possible nightmare had come true, I had become Fred.
Loneliness can happen to anyone and we are all five minutes away from being in the position of talking to ourselves if we do not manage situations well.
In the hotel business I have met many and I mean many rich and famous people whom love to sit down and talk to you due to the fact that it is after hours and because they have no one else. They have fame, fortune, they have people chasing them for autographs, business deals, money or even just association, but very sadly not for love or friendship. When all the dust has cleared and the hangers on, cronies and groupies have gone home to their families and loved ones, they are truly alone and lonely.
There are billions of people on our planet and the incomprehensible reality that some people are torn apart by loneliness is astonishing. I was lucky as I eventually rebounded to meet my soul mate, I have 3 beautiful girls whom I truly believe love me and I know that I unconditionally love them in return.
Most of us hope and pray that when we do eventually pass on, we do so surrounded by our soul mate, our children and our grand children whilst lying in our warm bed.
Unfortunately there are many people that we all know and see every day whom are not so fortunate. They have suffered through terrible circumstances and for whatever reason have not rebounded and are living a life of desperate silence without friends or family.
Let’s make a pact together today that if we know someone who appears to be lonely, that we give them a call or even knock on their door to say hello. We can invite them for a coffee, drop off a baked cake to their home, shake their hand or simply make them feel special by remembering their name.
We CAN help to improve someone’s life and if we are able to do it for just one person we will feel good about ourselves whilst assisting another lonely soul to have a better quality of life.
Together, we can make a difference, I know it.
I’m glad to have gotten a chance to read this very insightful and thoughtful post. Being quite a bit of a loner myself, I can say this much:
I won’t deny that isolation is painful and there may be time when I long for closeness with others or companionship. Still, I can’t deny that I’m a loner at heart either. I easily become weary of the company of others which–I imagine–makes me seem capricious and trite, which usually makes matter worse.
The story of your colleague is heart rending. From time to time, I recall that story I read in my childhood, of the woman who “died of peoplelessness.” It’s a rather fearsome, if mocking portent or what the future can hold.
Who gets to decide who are the ones who need/wish to have others step in and change the way they live their lives… and how? Makes for quite a conundrum I think. There are many kinds of people in the world. I always wonder. How many lonely people are just like me?
As you can see, your post was quite thought provoking for me. I’ll probably be mulling it over for quite some time.
Hi Tonya,
I have had to think and toss around your comments in my head before I replied, so I must apologize for the time it took to write down my feelings.
When I read your comments and the way that you have articulated them, you give me the distinct feeling that you are an educated person.
This normally means that you would probably get easily fed up with talking to others that are unable to stimulate you in intellectually or simply in conversation.
It is my understanding that the more intelligent you are the less people there are around that will be able to entertain you and keep you interested in what they are saying.
I hope and pray for you that you are able to find someone, even though you feel there is no need, who can entertain you with words, conversation and laughter.
You seem in great shape to me and the fact that the story was thought provoking has made my day no end.
By the way, if you are lonely there are millions of people who are exactly the same position as you, hence the story and blog post.
Feel hugged as you deserve it and know that you are definitely not alone.
Thanks for dropping by and I hope to hear from you again soon.
Warm regards,
Mike.
Touching and “food” for thought! When you see a fat person, you might be seeing a person who is eating out of neglect. Just like alcohol, food acts on the brain, in some cases to balance the chemistry that is out of balance due to neglect.
I’ll make sure to contact some people today who might need a bit of social interaction – I know I do, every day!
Side note – my son is trying squash and ricotta ravioli this weekend. Not your ricotta and pumpkin recipe (but isn’t pumpkin just a large winter squash?). I’ll post how it turns out.
Hi Alice,
I am glad you found the post touching and food for thought, what more could I possibly want
It is interesting that you note some of these issues could be due to neglect as I could not agree with you more.
Yes it is true also that every human being at one point or another needs some social interacting of some kind…very well said and thought through.
Pumpkin is the same family as squash, come countries just call them by different names, anyhow for this recipe they will both work just as good.
Thanks for dropping by and we look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Warm regards,
Mike.
Thank you for sharing.
I trust that Fred, whether “alone” or not at his passing, was lovingly accompanied on his journey. May he know at last how completely loved he is.
What is loneliness? It is only a thought of separation. No one is ever actually alone. Interdependence is a fact of existence. The people in one’s life, 1 or 50, do not determine whether one is lonely. True loneliness is the isolation from the self and thus from God (however one defines that source).
No one outside our self can give us the love we need. In truth, we are already that love. We are swimming in it. It permeates every cell of our being. When we see that, loneliness is no longer a possibility. It no longer has any significance how many people attend our funeral or who loves or does not love us.
Other people’s thoughts, whether loving or unloving, do not define us in any way. They are simply thoughts that come and go, as do our own. No one chooses their thoughts and thus every thought should be deeply questioned. Is it true? Every life has purpose and meaning and is perfect in its own way. Each of us is loved beyond measure. This is the literal truth. It’s the only truth that matters.
Dear Quiddia,
Thank you for your educated response and your contribution to this very important subject.
When our readers see your thoughts and comments they will also feel hope that even though they may feel lonely, they can in fact feel peace that there is another being watching over them.
All these thought processes I hope will make someone feel better today, if we all contribute and some commnents somewhere help at least one person, we should all be very happy.
Again, thanks for contributing with the hope we may help someone today.
Warm regards,
Mike.
Funny, my phone did not ring today…
Great Post Mike!
Hi Inebi,
I am sorry that your phone did not ring today, maybe nobody knows your plight.
Thanks for your kind words regarding the post and the contents of it…just trying to stir up some emotions and make a difference somehow.
Thanks for dropping by…nice blog you have by the way.
Warm regards,
Mike.
What a touching post, and some very thought provoking responses. I’m not sure yet whether loneliness is just manifest from one’s expectation of how life should be lived, if that makes sense. I’ll ponder this at length, thanks
Hi Catherine,
This is the biggest area of the debate, the possibility of it being self inflicted or if it can be avoided through a caring society.
The debate goes on with some hope of online solutions for others to learn from.
Sharing is caring
Thanks for your help and contribution.
Warm regards,
Mike.
Good Afternoon Michael:
“Ben, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I´ll never be alone
And you, my friend, will see
You´ve got a friend in me” (Ben..Michael Jackson) (My dearest MJ….)
I´m agree with Quiddia. True loneliness is the isolation from the self and thus from God.
I think Loneliness can be managed. You don´t have to “Die of peoplelessness”.!No!.
In my particular opinion, I love to be alone sometimes (My special moments) but I love to share with my family and friends too!
Best regards
Alba
Hi Alba,
I think being alone for “me time” and enjoying that is very different from being alone, feeeling alone and having nobody in the world you feel you can talk too.
These situations are ones we all have to chip in to help others to enable them to share their stories with others whom are willing to listen.
Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.
Warm regards,
Mike.
Good Afternoon Michael:
Maybe I sound as if I were superficial, shallow but Mike, really it wasn´t my intention.
Thank you to put me in the right way.I´m thinking we have to live
what these persons are living, and then, only then, make an opinion.
Thank you again,
Hope to hear about you soon too!
Warm regards
Alba
PD:(Excuse my english)
I am a lone bear, not always by choice and certainly not recently. having been confronted for 20 years and more to what wrong choices can bring in life, I lived as a free electron, having a few choice friends (most still there after 15-25 years), avoiding empty talk and “hanging out” (dry sock syndrome?). Yet three years ago I discovered what loneliness really was, as the one I wanted to be with would not care for it. Loneliness is a self inflicted status in that it stems from what you expect and hope from others and what you refuse. A lot of my loneliness comes from “better be alone than in bad company” and that visceral freedom that will have me walk away for three hours, if needs be, instead of staying were I don’t belong.
Speaking of hotels, nowadays I hate those lonely breakfasts and diners among “happy loving couples” etc. Just like in Joe Jackson’s song. That loneliness comes from comparison more than anything else.
What an incredible post to find on a chef’s site. What sharing comments by others. I could write a book on my thoughts. Over 50 years ago my high school “senior problems” teacher pointed to me as the only one in class that could be a hermit. Yet I had friends at school, later had many more than my share in business and yet I must ask myself “what is a friend?”
I have few around me now yet in my whole life I have never felt lonely. It is like “being bored” something that comes from inside not outside.
People don’t go to funerals because of the dead, they go to comfort the living or from business/social obligations/reasons. I wouldn’t judge the number of Fred’s friends nor his happiness by the number at his funeral nor do I think funerals attended by hundreds mean the dead had more friends than Fred.
Jesus did many incredible things for throngs of people yet how many defended him or attended his crucifixion or burial? Even the man on whom he built the church denied he even knew him three times!
There is something much deeper here.
chuck